Area Man Attempting To Explain Stocks Scarier Than Any Financial Crisis

‘Round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows,’ reported Barnum.
‘Round and round it goes, where it stops nobody knows,’ reported Barnum.

After viewing area man Mike Barnum attempting to explain that the stock market “just makes sense,” eyewitnesses agreed that the attempted clarification of the complex system of stock exchanges was far more terrifying than any possible market collapse.

Witnesses report that Barnum began his “unprompted and wildly misinformed rant” on the stock market by sharing his thoughts on the 2007 housing crisis, which was “still far less terrifying than the kind of stuff that Mike was spewing,” according to concerned friend of Barnum, Lisa Hawkins. According to Hawkins, Barnum frequently referred to stocks as “bitcoins” and explained that the “only strategy” was to “buy high and sell higher.”

Barnum went on to compare “a share” to a “coupon,” telling passersby that he planned to “cash in before the expiration date.”

Bystander Steve Jordans told reporters “I don’t think that man has any idea what he’s talking about. I have my own concerns about the market, but almost nothing could possibly be as frightening as the grasp that the man thinks he has on the economy. ”

Witnesses also report that Barnum touted his “insider business knowledge” after taking a semester of Econ and “reading up a lot on Newsweek.”

Barnum later added that “The market created Facebook, but it also destroyed the housing bubbles.” When prompted for more details, Barnum dismissed reporters, saying “it’s probably too complicated for you to understand, you just wouldn’t get it.”

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