Can We At Least Get Some Stronger Bootstraps?

As members of historically oppressed minorities, we finally believe it’s time to formally protest this nation and the glaring neglect of its citizens with subpar bootstraps.

Marginalization is tough, but we speak for all our downtrodden brethren when we say that we hear politicians’ calls to simply raise ourselves through their rank and think: “Well shit, Mitch, we can do that. We’ll just need some stronger bootstraps.”

National leader after national leader has revealed to us, finally, the causes of our needless suffering. Martin failed us. Malcolm failed us. Now all we ask for are simply the tools to help us rise through this corrupt, racist, capitalist, bigoted, discriminatory, and bootstrap-shortening society.

No more handout welfare dollars or subsidized housing options, please. It’s time for America to have a heart and finally let us man up ourselves. That’s right: it’s time to allow us, the downtrodden masses, some better reigns with which to pull up our marginalized bodies towards self-sufficiency. It’s time for some better bootstraps.

Maybe some leather. Or even pleather is cool too. Personally, we wouldn’t mind some feathers and studs just to spice the straps up a bit, but the specifics are totally up to you. Anything within the national budget is acceptable honestly, as long as the bootstraps can take some wear-and-tear. Lord knows they will.

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