Reports emerged last Friday that all members of the 803 Monroe St. Secret Santa group were excited for the gift-giving event, unless their gifts would be coming from their fellow groupmate, Jeremy.
“He just doesn’t know me,” reported apprehensive group member Sara Ingres on Jeremy. “I bet he’s out there on Main St. right now, in some weird novelty shop buying some tarot cards or a weird clown tee for some poor sucker. Oh God, I hope that’s not me.”
Jeremy’s previous Secret Santa recipients have received old jigsaw puzzles and donations in their honor to the World Wildlife Fund.
“The best we can hope for is that he’ll just end up buying a gift card or something,” added Ingres.
“Is it too late to kick him out of the thing?” asked Jared Branthwaite. “Last time he got me novelty underwear that didn’t even fit, and then he refused to let me have the receipt. Also, he just asked all of us for our blood types last week.”
“I love the beauty of the holiday season,” said Andrew Lilson, an acquaintance of Jeremy’s in the group. “I’d really hate for it to be spoiled by some lame, ineffective present from a guy who’ll probably ruin all the festivities. The real gift would be if God didn’t let Jeremy pull my name in the draw last week. I know that it’s only with giving that we receive, but I think we all wished he just sat back on this one.”
The night before the event, Jeremy was seen at the general store carrying a singing stuffed animal and a package of bendy straws.