I’ve Got You Now, Motherfucker

Oh, fuck yeah. Now I’ve got you. You didn’t mean to catch my eye, but you did. You thought you could just stroll across the Diag without involving yourself in this uncomfortable social exchange, then you saw me in my huge coat and hat with too many pins, and you knew it was all over. Now get over here and pretend to read my big-ass homemade sign about river pollution.

I bet you never thought you’d be talking about how the percentage of pesticides in the Huron River affects Ann Arbor deer populations, but here we are. Maybe if you hadn’t been nice enough to take one headphone out when I asked if you had a moment to save Ann Arbor rivers, you wouldn’t be in this awful situation. But alas, you had the decency to feign interest in my cause, and I’ll be damned if I don’t exploit it.

You can begin by scanning this cardboard sign and absorbing absolutely zero information from it. Next I’m going to hand you a pamphlet with yellow font but, don’t worry, it’s impossible to read. While you’re failing to decipher that, I’m going to ask you personal questions so you can’t devote your full attention to me or the issue I’m presenting.

Now we’ve reached the critical stage of the interaction—I’m going to ask you for money. I know you can afford to donate to my cause because you go to this university and because your jacket costs more than my rent. I’m not persuasive or charming in any way, and you have no real motivation to donate to this cause other than it will end this encounter, but please spare me a fucking dollar. I’ve been out here for six hours and you’re the first person to acknowledge my existence, so if I can’t get something out of you, then I may have to accept the conclusion everyone passing me has already come to—saving the environment may not be worth it.

Unsurprisingly, you’ve decided not to donate. I appreciate how you really acted like you were going to, and then you didn’t. Anyway, thanks for your apathy, fucker. I’m off to make people sign my petitions in Espresso Royale. They’ve got the booths there so I can corner ‘em. Well, see you around the Diag and somehow everywhere else you go in public!

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