Reports emerged last Tuesday that Ross School of Business junior Mark Hodler’s internship interview with the DeRouter accounting firm was cut tragically short by the small and unimpressive circumference of his right forearm.
Hodler’s weak, unbeefy arm reportedly complicated his ability to “convincingly use a big fountain pen” and “look like a disproportionately top-heavy financier,” making his goals for succeeding in the finance track impossible.
“Finance isn’t about numbers, it’s about connections,” said Hiring Manager Sam Spielman while leaning forward and resting his big, muscular arms on his oak desk. “Does he honestly believe he’ll be able to keep up here with those puny things?”
“Weak handshake means weak decision-making when it matters,” noted Spielman gruffly. “If you can’t curl 350, you can’t negotiate for 350 million,” he added, flexing the flesh around his bones. “Right now, the kid’s prospects are as weak as his grip.”
Hodler was last seen futilely redoing his resume while typing with his thin, unbecoming fingers.