State Lawmakers Develop Paper Shredder For Minority Ballots

Ballots were shredded twice for quality control.
Ballots were shredded twice for quality control.

Following the November midterm elections, Georgia state legislators have been busily preparing paper shredders designed specifically for the destruction of thousands of minority ballots.

“Yeah, the last election was a tough one. We threw out the ballots of hundreds of people of color by hand, and it was a lot of work,” said state Senator Butch Tippins on Wednesday morning. “Many minorities were able to get past the hurdles we set before. We’ve purged voter rolls, we’ve made it extra difficult for low-income people to verify their residency, hell, we’ve even cut funds to public transportation to make it harder than ever to even get to the polling location! But still, these minority voters find a way to participate in society. What we want now is to have a device in place that really just simplifies the work of disenfranchising Americans on a massive scale, without all the legwork.”

Georgia lawmakers have designed the machine with “millions” of people in mind for the next election cycle. “The more we thought about it,” said State Representative Chuck Jones II, “denying a basic democratic right to our minority constituents this way would be a much more efficient and cost-effective approach for the taxpayer.”

Following outcry from critics, former Georgia governor Nathan Deal explained the decision to reporters. “I completely understand where critics are coming from. But I can assure you, this design is the most effective and it’s what Georgians want. We polled over 4,500 Georgians, and, from the votes we actually counted, nearly 97% of people support the use of the device.”

Despite the national outcry, many Georgian state representatives still believe a compromise can be made. “I mean, it doesn’t have to be a paper shredder. Even a large burn pit would suffice. Just anything that allows us to rob as many of the most underprivileged Americans of a basic right at once is what the people running this country are going to stand behind.”

Despite the large amount of voter suppression in the previous election, lawmakers believe that they can “do much better this time” and “have only just begun.”

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