According to a study conducted by University of Virginia researchers, 9 in 10 white men just can’t wait to gentrify your neighborhood.
“We’re coming,” said the white men when reached for comment. “We’ve heard so much about D.C., Brooklyn, and Portland. Have you tried this new tapas place?” they added.
Lead researcher Dr. Kristina Kanda claimed that the men had entered what they referred to as “rough and abandoned” areas in order to personally start the process of urban renewal. Kranda also reported that 90% of the white men were “itching to tell you the benefits of indie coffee shops and art fairs in your neighborhoods” and were also “just dying to let you know about the Korean fusion place and gastropub down the street.”
“It used to be so dirty out here,” said fresh white-man arrival and software engineer Brandon Wilson in his newly-converted industrial loft apartment. “Trust me, I’d know—I used to come here all the time as a kid for tacos. Definitely wasn’t pretty then, but had a lot of charm and potential,” he added.
“It’s much safer now, and a great place for active young guys like me to live,” said Wilson, gesturing to the comforting glow of the SoulCycle studio visible through his wall of windows.
At press time, white women were spotted checking out the neighborhood too.