University Hopeful Extra Week Of Break Makes Up For Decades Of Debt

Schlissel thought the move would help ensure there were ‘no hard feelings’ about the debt.
Schlissel thought the move would help ensure there were ‘no hard feelings’ about the debt.

Citing a desire to help students mitigate the financial burden of attending a competitive undergraduate program and foster cooperation for future relationships, administrators at the University of Michigan are reportedly hoping that not asking students to return to Ann Arbor until January 9th will ‘take the sting out of ’ the decades of student debt they will carry with their bachelor degrees.

“We wanted to throw the kids a bone,” said University President Mark Schlissel, when approached about the length of this year’s winter recess. “They work so hard for no immediate reason other than to accumulate massive amounts of debt, so we wanted to make sure the students had time for a weekend trip or something.”

The 19-day holiday is the longest in recent memory, and over 33% longer than last year’s 11-day break.

“Giving students an extra week to relax and recharge is important,” said E. Royster Harper, Vice President of Student Life at the university. “When they graduate and see their first student loan payment, they’ll be thankful they had this precious time off.”

Members of the administration also voiced optimism that students would remember this decision fondly as alumni.

“It’s simple,” offered Provost Martin A. Philbert, “happy students turn into happy alumni. Therefore students who get nearly an entire three weeks to themselves between two relentlessly scheduled semesters over eight months will write the university fat checks as soon as they pay off their crushing debt.”

At press time, Schlissel was reportedly confident that the extra week would give students time to “release any pent up anger,” they may have over rising tuition prices.

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