A collection of the nation’s prominent old coots assembled last monday to issue a joint statement in which they declared that they would, from this point forward, respond to any and all confusion with violence and anger.
“We don’t recognize the world around us,” said Abe Solosky, an old fart from Des Moines, Iowa, shaking a fist, “and we’re going to yell at it.”
The announcement cited yelling at young children, being rude to members of the service industry, and driving with no regard for their surroundings as behaviors the general public should expect in their reaction to change and confusion.
Arthur Moon, one elderly clod speaking at the announcement, also warned that he would later that day be wandering into a grocery store, forgetting why he was there, and knocking over the cottage cheese display.
“Old coots have a long tradition of acting out,” said Moon, “and I’m proud to continue that tradition, whether that takes the shape hitting someone with my cane when the newspaper font is too small, or something small like calling a nurse a slur that was popular during the depression.”
The sad old geezers additionally announced their plans to consistently drive 45 miles per hour regardless of whether in a parking lot or the left lane of the highway.