DPS’ New Sobriety Test Just A Recommendation To Get Pancheros

No intoxicated individual could resist the restaurant's delicious queso.
No intoxicated individual could resist the restaurant's delicious queso.

The University of Michigan’s Division of Public Safety has recently announced plans to employ a new sobriety test system in which students suspected of inebriation will simply be asked if they would like to go to Pancheros.

Personnel in charge of implementing the protocol have stated that not only will this method be cheaper than traditional techniques, but it will also be more accurate.

“No one in their right mind would say yes to a Panch run sober,” said officer James Daniels.

“While we’re still in our initial stages of testing, we already have a lot of confidence in this new system.”

Daniels also says that the system can hopefully test the relative level of sobriety with answers such as “sure, I’ll go if you’re going” indicating slight intoxication, and answers such as “oh my God, Panch is my favorite!” potentially requiring hospitalization.

Other systems have been considered, including suggesting that students text their ex or telling them they can totally fight that guy over there, but the Pancheros system has been proven the most “consistently reliable.”

The University has also considered placing an officer outside of Pancheros to check IDs, as it is a “near guarantee” that everyone going in there is “drunk off their asses.”

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