Sources reported last Wednesday that area bachelor Bret Kinney’s room is in need of at least three candles burning simultaneously before it will be even remotely passable.
Kinney, who is “just too busy to clean up these days” allowed his room to deteriorate over the course of several months. Sources report that the room is filled with old cans of beans, pizza boxes, dirty clothes, and “a simply unfathomable amount of trash,” but later reported that it “wasn’t anything three candles couldn’t fix.”
“I’m worried about him,” Kinney’s mom told reporters earlier this week. “Bret is such a good boy, he just lets things get out of hand sometimes. I want to clean his room up for him, but I get lightheaded every time I go in there.”
“He should probably just get some candles,” said Kinney’s friend and self-proclaimed trash expert Aiden Smith. “Judging by the advanced deterioration of Bret’s room, I’d say he needs at the very least three, preferably four candles burning for a couple days nonstop, but after that, he’s in the clear,” Smith continued.
“Yeah that’s a good idea,” said Kinney. “I’ll just get some Black Ice candles from the store and we’ll be all set. Although, maybe a cinnamon candle would do a better job of counteracting the nauseating trash fumes.” When asked whether the candles would solve the problem or simply cover it up, Kinney returned no comment.
At press time, Kinney was seen thinking about burning a few incense sticks as well.