After a long string of scuffed surgical interventions, botched transplants, and alarming patient mortality rates, Cleveland Clinic cardiac surgeon Dr. Stacey Peterman is reported to be in the midsts of what some experts have called a “careerbreaking slump.”
“I’m just not feeling it lately,” explained Peterman. “I mean, I graduated top of my class from Johns Hopkins, I’ve performed countless dozens of successful procedures in the past, and I can suture a coronary bypass graft in my sleep. But recently it seems I can’t get anything right.”
Sources from the clinic indicate that the purported slump began early last November, when Peterman “goofed big time” by mixing up the left and right ventricles of a heart bypass patient.
“It was a rookie mistake, definitely not something you expect from an experienced attending surgeon like Stacey,” reported chief surgical resident Joey Nunez. Continued Nunez, “everyone has an oopsiedaisy once in a while, but for some reason it just really rattled her, she hasn’t been the same since.”
Peter man has attempted to blame a variety of factors in her daily routine for her c o nt i nu i n g series of botched performances. Other surgeons confirmed the importance of being in “the zone” when in the operating room, and have claimed that even small variations from a routine can throw an operator off their game.
“After the first few flubs, I thought maybe it was because I wasn’t wearing my lucky scrubs,” claimed Peterman. “But even after I had them washed, I still couldn’t cut a basic median sternotomy. Then I thought maybe I needed to change up the OR playlist, but the anesthesiologist wouldn’t let me switch from Boyz II Men radio. I’ll have to figure out something quick before my malpractice insurance runs out.”
At press time, Peterman was seen in the surgical prep room muttering prayers to multiple different deities in a last ditch effort to “get herself back in the game.