Despite owning a four-year-old pug, the product of centuries of selective breeding and human manipulation, 60-year-old John Dennison has been clear that he feels morally opposed to gay marriage on the grounds that it is “just plain unnatural.”
“God created men to marry women,” said Dennison, who appeared to fail to recognize the fact that God most likely also created canines to have a functioning windpipe and nervous system.
The pug-owner later added that “It’s just not our place to get in the way of God’s plan.” Sources report Dennison had also specifically sought out a breeder that could provide him with a dog that had the “cutest, little flattest nose you’ve ever seen.”
Dennison has allegedly seen both a wolf as well as his fair share of pugs, but stands firm that “the gays” are ruining the sanctity of marriage while his “precious little muffin” is just the “most perfect apartment dog.”
According to sources close to Dennison, he has also been seen using products such as Viagra and Cheese Whiz, which many would not consider to be “natural.” Dennison, however, believes that these products are “fun” and “really aren’t hurting anyone else.”
Dennison was last seen walking his pug around the “Christian friendly” part of town.