After nearly 100 weeks of intense legal work, dominating the international news cycle for over a year and racking up $25 million in government costs in what may be the highest-stakes investigation in United States history, Special Counsel Robert Mueller is “more sure than not” that it was Donald Trump, in the billiard room, with the candlestick.
“It’s been a long, arduous investigation to say the least,” announced Mueller. “We’ve interviewed dozens of key witnesses, followed hundreds of leads… there have been bumps along the way, several tricks that almost did us in, but we’ve played our cards well and, fueled by the faith of the American public, have determined that it is safe to say that the deed in question was probably committed by the President, in none other than the billiard room, with his very own candle stick—or perhaps one supplied to him by a foreign government.
Speaking as to how the course of the investigation has developed over the past few months, Mueller commented, “For a while I was thinking there was a good chance it might’ve been Michael Cohen, or maybe Mrs. White, and there were a few weeks back there when I was stuck going back and forth between the conservatory and the lounge, but I am proud to say that our team has been able to work past those obstacles and arrive at the conclusion we have before us now.”
“I know this ‘whodunit game’ has been laborious and exhausting not just for the government and my team, but for the entirety of the American public,” said Muller. “It is an investigation necessary for the protection of the liberties and freedoms we hold most dear and in order to thwart the illegal foreign influences that attack our democracy. I would just like to say thank you, America, for playing along.”
Mueller later added, “Boy, I can’t wait to open up that ‘Case File CONFIDENTIAL’ envelope’ and see if we’re right.