Nation’s Sadists Confirm There Is, In Fact, More Than One Way To Skin A Cat

Decisively laying all doubts on the subject to rest, a study conducted by the nation’s sadists has proven that there is definitely more than one way to skin a cat.

“Miseducation on feline flaying is a chronic problem in modern American society,” local sadist and grocery store clerk Stacey Farrow said. “Most people seem to think that skinning an animal is a simple matter of poking it in the belly with a sharp knife and having at it, but there really is so much more nuance and subtlety to it, so many choices to be made—it’s an art form.”

Farrow, considered an eminent figure in the field, has had significant experience skinning cats. “Dead ones, live ones, fat ones, skinny ones, old ones, baby ones. You name it, I’ve skinned it. And let me tell you, I peeled the skin off each one just a bit differently.”

According to Farrow’s fellow sadists, skinning cats truly is a versatile craft.

“There’s just so much to consider when you’re slicing off their pelts,” said Brentwood Middle School student Harry Balsam. “Like, are you going to use a knife? A stick? Your hands? And if you use a knife, what kind? You could go for a butcher’s knife if you need something hefty, but penknives and letter-openers usually allow for a cleaner cut.”

While societies devoted to the malevolent sciences have long debated what qualifies one flaying technique as being discrete from another, recent findings by the North American Cat Killing Association have affirmed that there are numerous ways to get the job done. The study claims that there are at least thirty-eight distinct methodologies by which to skin a cat, but Farrow and Balsam contest this conclusion, both agreeing that there are upwards of fifty strategies.

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