Report: Mom’s Birthday Worst Day Of Year

Sources report Johnson is 'this close' to the edge.
Sources report Johnson is 'this close' to the edge.

Members of the Johnson family have reported that their mother’s birthday is the worst day of the year.

“Mom always asks us not to make a big deal about her birthday,” said Sally Johnson. “But then she freaks out when the gift we buy isn’t thoughtful enough, or if we forgot to make a dinner reservation.”

“Last year, I forgot to buy her a card, so I hand-made one instead at the last minute,” said Ben Johnson, brother to Sally. “She could totally tell, and she didn’t talk to me for the next three weeks.”

Ben suggested that the reason for their mother’s annual misery is that she is getting a year older. His claim is supported by reports of bouts of crying in the master bathroom followed by murmurs of, “I’m so old, I’m so old.”

“Today is mom’s 50th, so we’re preparing for the worst,” said Sally. “We bought her tickets to a new musical, booked her favorite restaurant, and even ordered flowers, but something’s bound to be wrong.”

“I mean, we already have mother’s day,” added Ben. “But her birthday means that we need to go see a Broadway show twice per year, and she cries if we don’t all pretend to enjoy it.”

“God, can’t you kids clean your rooms?” said Sally and Ben’s mother. “Today is the one day of the year that I ask you to do something nice for me, but you treat me like a slave. It’s absolutely unacceptable. All I do every day is cook, clean, and drive you around, and what do I get in return? Nothing. And am I supposed to walk the dog, too? And feed her? You’d think that I’d be treated with respect at least one day of the year. But no. Fold your laundry.”

At press time, Ben and Sally’s gift was thrown back in their faces before their mother broke down in tears and repeatedly cried, “I wish I were young again.

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