Report Shows 76% Of Professors With Calf Tattoo Ask You To Call Them By Their First Name

56% are known to hold their office hours at that cool coffee shop downtown
56% are known to hold their office hours at that cool coffee shop downtown

The Pew Research Center last Tuesday released a study of demeanor in an academic setting which concluded that approximately 76% of university professors with a calf tattoo will tell you to call them by their first name.

The report collected data from 1,500 public and private universities across the United States, controlling the variables for age and department of the professors and ensuring that the calf tattoo was the professor’s only ink.

Dr. Maya Hartman, who led the research, said that the study was born for student’s desire to understand their professors better.

“It’s possible for students in this day and age to use the web to screen whether a professor is an easy ‘A’ or a mild pervert, but what students really want to is if they can refer to their professor as ‘Chad’” she reported. “And this information will tell them that.”

Dr. Richard Greene, another researcher for the study, told reporters that it didn’t matter what the tattoo was, just so long that it was on the calf.

“We believe this location is prime, as it can be hidden just as easily as it can be shown off,” said Greene, noting that the lower leg mark can be used to appeal to students in the same way asking to be called Scott might.

The study goes on to report that certain calf tattoos were more prevalent than others, with the image of a vertical feather being the most common design, while trees of life, vague quotes about art, and incorrect chinese characters closely followed.

Greene said they only ran into one distinctive outlier: “If the calf tattoo was a minimalist black outline, professors generally asked for a nickname rather than a first name,” he said. “Sometimes just their last name with no title and in one case, Cobra.”

“These findings are revolutionary,” Hartman said.”We hope to jump off the success of this study to next find the correlation between your English professor wearing a tweed jacket and writing their dissertation on F. Scott Fitzgerald.”

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