Noting that there were no other conclusions that would suit all parties, sources reported early Thursday morning that a group of English 325 classmates have silently and unanimously decided to blame a recent fart on the ugly kid sitting in the corner.
Following a sudden, noxious smell that quietly dispersed itself throughout 1449 Mason Hall, all eyes in the room judgmentally and inaudibly fell on sophomore Simon Eberhard.
“There I was sitting in class, trying to pay attention, when all of a sudden I smelled this disgusting odor,” said senior Lisa Bellamy. “All I could think was ‘really, Simon? That’s disgusting.’”
“Simon looks gross. He probably didn’t shower today, and he never combs his hair. If there’s anyone who would fart in class, it would be him,” said Bellamy later in explanation of the process by which she and her classmates were immediately and unequivocally able to deduce the fart had been emitted by Simon.
Other students, such as junior Chester Rudder, echoed similar sentiments.
“Yeah, honestly as soon as I inhaled, I knew it was Simon,” said junior Chester Rudder, who added that he didn’t even need to look around the room to know. “He should be ashamed of himself. I don’t know why he’s not acting more embarrassed. Like, dude.”
Witnesses report that Eberhard continued staring ahead at the board and taking notes as the entire class collectively held its breath and stared at him in resentment.
At press time, the GSI who students have described as “cute” and “attractive” was seen sneaking a swig of pepto bismol and clutching at her bloated stomach.