According to a recent announcement from University Health Service, the free condoms provided by the clinic will now be exclusively available to attractive students.
Attractive junior Josh Stevens told reporters, “it’s not fair that I go to UHS only to find an empty condom bucket because all the ugly losers took them.
I actually need them, but I know they’re just gonna go to waste in the wallet or drawer of some unattractive kid.” UHS spokesperson Blake Grossman explained to reporters that the restriction would “not affect students who are a 8 or higher” and that the decision was “in no way meant to punish the plethora of loser students who need to accept reality.”
Grossman explained that the new standards “require at least a 6 in face and a 7 in body,” but “students can get bonus points if they drive a badass car or play a cool instrument.”
UHS doctor Sandra Anderson said in a statement that the change in policy was “a result of the incredible amounts of school funds used on wasted latex” adding, that “the ugly ones weren’t really using them anyway.”
“Maybe the gross-looking students were using them to joke around and make water balloons or something,” she continued. “But sex? No way.”
At press time, UHS confirmed that HPV vaccines would still be offered to all students at no cost but said that “for almost all of the funny-looking ones, it’s really just wishful thinking.”