We Asked These Four People How It Feels To Chew 5 Gum And Their Descriptions Shook Us To Our Very Core

  1. James, 39
    • When I last chewed 5 Gum, I felt elation the likes of which cannot be described in human language. Literally. After I shoved that stick of solidified ambrosia into my unsuspecting mouth, I was instantly transported to a realm of complete and utter ecstasy. My eyes rolled back in my head, and I collapsed to the bitter earth as I lost total control of all muscle function that wasn’t involved with chewing the exquisitely divine morsel of the gods I had placed within my unworthy mortal vessel. Since the experience, I’ve studied every language known to man, from the Romantic family to the Slavic, from the Dravidian tongues to the Austronesian and beyond, searching in heart-wrenching vain for a word or phrase that could possibly have the most barren spectre of a chance of describing the merest iota of the unmitigated rhapsody that ensconced the core of my being for the brief trifle of heaven 5 Gum gave me. My search unfruitful, I resign myself to that unmitigated torture of earthly being; for what, after tasting the utmost of the divine, can mortal life be if not hell itself?
  2. Michelle, 18
    • Chewing 5 Gum was like being dragged into the pits of hell by a horde of screeching banshees, each screaming a unique and terrible tone that rendered my soul to the demonic masses. As their hooked claws pierced my body and anchored themselves in my flesh, the collective strength of the swarm began to tow my body down—not down into the ground, but down, in a dimension outside the three spatial planes familiar to us and in a direction that I just knew in every atom of my body was truly down, surely to the fiery pits of Hades itself. It was only when I briefly regained the presence of mind to spit out the stick of Cobalt Peppermint that the throng of hellspawn relinquished their grasp.
  3. Martin, 27
    • To chew 5 Gum is to experience all of existence, past, present, and future, the knowledge of which renders your mortal brain inert as you ponder the vast incomprehensibility of eternity. As I ruminated the Vortex green apple-flavored morsel, my physical, being went slack, wholly unable to comprehend the infinite depths of boundless time and space. I realized, both instantaneously and eternally, that the three spacial and one temporal dimensions to which our collective consciousness is inextricably bound is but one fraction of a sliver of the immeasurable, unthinkable continuum. What we think of as existence is nothing but a feeble quark; the slightest slight; a miniature of a miniature aside the limitless colossus of true actuality. Constrained as we are to the immutable restrictions of cognition, there are no words I can speak, no language I could conceive, no communicable expression of this knowledge that I could possibly utilize to effectively elucidate the incalculable completion of the revelations rendered unto me by chewing 5 gum.
  4. Sharon, 30
    • Strawberry, with maybe a hint of watermelon. Flavor didn’t last too long, but the texture held up okay. 6.5/10.

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