Citing poor sales, lingering FDA investigations, and overwhelmingly negative customer reviews, medical technology giant Johnson and Johnson is reportedly recalling all units of its newly-patented hot sauce-flavored intrauterine contraceptive device.
“We worked hard on this novel idea, so I’m disappointed to see the higher ups pull the plug so early,” commented Alex Burrell, head of J&J’s contraceptive device department. “But with all the issues that ended up surrounding the new IUD, I suppose we have to do whatever’s best for business.”
Sources from inside the design team behind the zesty preventative measure expressed similar dismay.
“We spent months on this thing,” explained researcher Joann Mitchell. “We had to figure out which brand of hot sauce was best suited for the uterine environment, how to imbue that flavor into the entirety of the IUD, how to ensure that the device would still release the proper amount of hormones through the Frank’s Red Hot. And that’s not even mentioning all the taste testing we had to do. I think some of the interns still have mouth damage from all the hot-sauce flavored IUDs we made them test. Just a real shame.”
Users of the new birth control method, though, were largely supportive of the recall.
“I got one of these things to try and spice up my sex life,” reported area woman Jennifer Comstock. “I figured if it was available for purchase, it must have passed all those government tests and regulations, right? But when the nurse started putting it in, it felt like someone had stuck a blow torch up my nether regions. I tried keeping it in for a while, but the burning never subsided. I had it removed two weeks ago, and I’m only just starting to feel normal again.”
While the vast majority of women who received this IUD reported similar experiences, some noted that, given the immense and totally foreseeable vaginal pain rendering penetrative sex completely out of the question, the Johnson & Johnson Hot Sauce IUD may actually be the most effective contraceptive produced to date.