A new study conducted by the American Psychological association has found that gay conversion therapy, the controversial practice of attempting to change an individual’s sexual orientation using psychological or spiritual intervention, is only 70% effective at making people gay.
“We conducted hundreds of trials over the course of the last decade during which we subjected heterosexual men to a series of jolts to the pleasure center, followed by highlight reels of men’s floor gymnastics, soundbites from the musical Cats, as well as selected clips from NBC’s The Golden Girls,” said lead researcher Dr. Martin Petrov, “and we were disappointed to find that such treatment was only 70% successful in terms of inducing the urge to engage in steamy gay sex.” Dr. Petrov also noted that his team conducted similar experiments with women in an effort to promote a “normal, homosexual lifestyle.”
“We paired the presentation of opposite-sex erotic images with electric shocks in heterosexual women. The cessation of this aversive stimuli was subsequently paired with lesbian sex scenes from The L Word, as well as clips of women’s rugby scrummages,” commented Dr. Petrov. “Frankly, we’re baffled as to why this imagery did not cause more than 70% of women to run away from their husbands in pursuit of a more Thelma and Louise-style relationship.”
Dr. Petrov cited “overbearing fathers” and other “heterosexual environmental influences” as possible reasons for his team’s lack of ability to turn people gay.
“Growing up, children se e a lot of successful straight people in the media, John Oliver for example, and they just get the wrong idea,” said Dr. Petrov.
Regarding future advances in promoting the homosexual agenda, Dr. Petrov and the APA are reportedly looking into such religious techniques as “praying the gay to stay.”