Child Gets No Say Over Own Haircut

Stevie’s sense of autonomy is reportedly dropping by the second.
Stevie’s sense of autonomy is reportedly dropping by the second.

Reports indicate that last Thursday, area mother Laura Holland did not allow Stevie, her seven- year-old, any say over his own haircut.

“I want it uniform length around the edges, and I want you to keep his bangs at the front,” Holland told the barber, describing the haircut known as the bowl cut. “And don’t cut the bangs too short, but cut them short enough so that they stay out of his big, beautiful eyes.”

Although Stevie expressed interest in a buzz cut, his mother refused him any sovereignty whatsoever over his own head.

“He wants it long at the top, but he definitely wants you to take a considerable amount off,” she said, despite the fact that Stevie wanted it short so that he could fit in with all the other boys at school.

“I want my haircut to be just like G.I. Joe and also like Thomas from my soccer team!” said Stevie, when reached for comment. “I want it to be short because everyone in my class has short hair.”

Despite his clear and reasonable desires, Stevie’s mother completely disregarded how long her son wanted his hair.

“He also wants you to put gel in his hair and part it over to the left,” said Holland, ignoring Stevie’s hatred for putting any product in his hair.

“And he also wants you to cut those little pieces of hair sticking up near the back,” she added, even though Stevie never said anything of the nature.

Bystanders have reported that, after the haircut, Holland refused to stop talking about how handsome Stevie looked.

At press time, Stevie’s mother was deciding what Stevie wanted for dinner.

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