Couple In Hammock Making Everyone On Diag Uncomfortable

The couple was reportedly no more comfortable than the onlookers.
The couple was reportedly no more comfortable than the onlookers.

According to eyewitness reports, two undergraduates sharing a hammock caused widespread disgust and “gross vibes” from other students on Diag.

“It was a really nice day today, so I decided to grab a picnic blanket and sit under a tree. Then I heard some creepy giggling behind me and realized it was two people swinging from the tree next to me. It freaked me out so bad that I moved to the other side of the Diag,” stated Anne Marsh, LSA sophomore.

Marsh, however, was not the only student to come forward with a report of possible outdoor PDA.

“Yeah, I’ve seen those couples. At first, I thought they were studying. And then I was like ‘wait, no that sounds shady,’ then the weird rustling started. Were they fighting? Were they up to some funny business? I didn’t know. I still don’t,” said Tyler Berkins, local frisbee golf enthusiast.

Reports of “distressing” behavior like this comes after a semester of incidents of “suspicious couples lurking in the Hatcher stacks” and “late night break-ins at the Big House.”

University officials recently issued a statement regarding these activities, including the advisory message, “if you see something, don’t say anything, avert your eyes, and pretend it never happened.”

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