Dorm Roommates Finally Starting To Hate Each Other

Roommates across campus are finally learning to hate each other for who they are.

Sources report that dorm roommates across campus are now reaching the stage of living together in which they cannot stand one another.

“My roommate and I used to get along pretty well, but around February is when it started going downhill,” freshman and Couzens resident James Parkins told reporters.

“We got in a fight about his insanely loud snoring, and he was like ‘oh I can’t control it,’ and I was like ‘find a doctor,’ and he was like ‘I don’t need a doctor’ and I was like ‘you bet your ass you need a doctor,’ and he was like ‘you’re not my mom,’ and I was like ‘no, but I’ll call her,’ and he was like—wait I’m sorry, I’m getting off track here,” Parkins stated.

Matthew Dewey, another freshman, had a similarly poor experience with his own roommate. “We were actually good friends back in October and November. Honestly I don’t know what happened,” Dewey said.

Sophomore Jessica Mullen reportedly spends much less time in her own room due to her deteriorating relationship with roommate Sandra Miller. “A few weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night and Sandra was just laying in her bed just, like, staring at me,” reported Mullen. “She said she wasn’t staring at me and she just sleeps with her eyes open sometimes, but I think I’m gonna avoid her for the rest of the year just to be safe,” Mullen stated.

At press time, Parkins, Dewey, and Mullen were all seen sleeping on friend’s futons.

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