UHS has confirmed that each and every student at the University of Michigan has fallen ill after sophomore Michael O’Sullivan failed to wash his hands because they “didn’t look dirty.”
“College campuses can be uncleanly places in which bacteria fester,” said UHS representative Sara Kelly, “and this circumstance is only heightened by gross little shits like Michael who don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom.”
“Nobody washes their hands every time they go to the bathroom,” said the student solely responsible for the outbreak of illness told reporters. “There’s no reason to wash your hands more than one—one and a half times a day.”
O’Sullivan reportedly had not washed his hands since they were cleaned in his shower almost six hours earlier. Students across campus were fuming over the cause of their illness.
“It takes like 20 seconds to wash your hands, and there’s already a sink in the bathroom,” said ailing senior Regan Harris. “It’s not like he would have had to wait in a line.”
Although at this time it is unconfirmed, sources have suggested that the off-campus house in which O’Sullivan lives with seven other students currently has no hand soap. There is no information on when the reserves could have run out or when they might be replenished.
UHS has asked officials to remind students that they should be washing their hands no fewer than eight times per day, including after they use the restroom and before all their meals.
O’Sullivan was last seen adjusting himself in the middle of lecture, still yet to wash his hands.