Homeless Charity Blows All Funds On Food And Shelter

The charity plans to waste even more money on community events throughout the year.
The charity plans to waste even more money on community events throughout the year.

Reports have come in indicating that the local chapter of the Salvation Army has allegedly “wasted” all its liquid capital on food and shelter, leaving it with no resources to complete its primary directives.

Kris Wood, a leader of the Washtenaw County Salvation Army, was accosted late Wednesday evening sneaking food out from his office and passing it along to members of the local homeless community under the cover of darkness. Though initially reluctant to speak with the press after his arrest by local police on charges of fraud and misappropriation of funds, sources report that Wood “seemed to have had a change of heart” after a night in chains, emerging in the morning to issue an apology statement to the angry crowd gathered at the steps of the county jail.

When asked to comment, crowd member and disillusioned donor Zvi Shor voiced his disappointment with Wood and the Salvation Army leadership overall.

“This is an absolute disgrace,” Shor told reporters. “Kris has brought shame on himself, the Salvation Army and, to an extent, to the wider charity industry as a whole.”

“Now I won’t donate as readily as I did before, what with not being sure of where it all will go”, said area resident Michelle DeJonge continued. “Think about it. Would you give him money if you knew it was only going to end up, in one form or another, in the hands of some shady character from the streets? I certainly wouldn’t. Kris really needs to learn how to line his pockets better—perhaps a stint at the local city council might do the trick—so that the generous people of this nation can give to him with confidence, knowing that the money will remain in good hands. Like Allstate, you know?”

At press time, Kris Wood reportedly “seemed to have learned his lesson”, and was last seen nervously embezzling several hundred dollars’ worth of anonymous donations as he “finally” embraced “a path of righteousness.”

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