‘I Need To Get The Hell Out Of This Town’ Reports Senior Moving To Des Moines

Plemons told reporters he can't wait to move to the 'big city.'
Plemons told reporters he can't wait to move to the 'big city.'

After accepting a job offer in Des Moines, Iowa this past week, local senior Josh Plemons has recently been heard expressing his desperation to “get the hell away from this town and everyone in it.”

“Seriously, I need to leave Ann Arbor as fast as humanly possible,” reported Plemons on his upcoming move to the equally uninteresting city of Des Moines. “Life’s too short to keep yourself cooped up like this. I need to go out and see the world before I get old,” continued Plemons, who will soon be seeing as much of Iowa’s most populous city as he can get.

Plemons stated that he has “seen everything this town has to offer” and is excited to experience a “complete change of scenery” in the third-largest insurance capital of the world.

“Des Moines offers so much that Ann Arbor simply can’t,” continued Plemons. “Bookstores, independent breweries, three Cinemark theaters, you name it. Des Moines has it all.”

Friends of Plemons have described his move to the Hartford of the West as “uninspired” and “a lateral shift at best.”

One friend, Brie Jameson, was especially confused with Plemons’s choice. “I mean, I don’t think it’s a bad move. It’s just a little underwhelming. When was t he last time anything non-caucus related happened in Des Moines anyway?”

At press time, Plemons was seen reminiscing about t he times when he thought Ann Arbor was the best he could do.

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