Nation Celebrates Independence By Blowing Itself Up

The colorful explosions wreaked havoc on the United States.
The colorful explosions wreaked havoc on the United States.

After a day of parades and family barbecues, hundreds of thousands of Americans continued to celebrate America by destroying it. Obliterating the United States has become a favorite tradition among patriots who want to show how much they love their country.

“I just love America,” said Henry Dawkins, a pyrotechnician at the New York City Macy’s firework show, which is responsible for releasing incalculable amounts of metal particles and harmful chemicals into the air. “This is the land that my grandfather lived in, and my grandfather’s grandfather. I would do anything to protect it.”

“There really are nothing like good ‘ol American fireworks,” he continued, discussing the product that was manufactured in China by child laborers.

While most Americans do not actually detonate the explosions responsible for the country’s destruction, millions take part in the festivities by marveling at the country being blown up.

“It’s just so beautiful,” said Sally Henderson, watching toxins being spread through the atmosphere as the gunpowder exploded.

“May God see that this country lives to be 1,000 years old,” she said about America, which will not live to be 300 unless the current climate crisis is miraculously reversed.

Although it is forbidden to purchase fireworks in many states, thousands of amateurs demonstrated their national pride by illegally purchasing the festive explosives and detonating them around trees, cars, and passing airplanes.

“I watched the Westbrooke County firework show, and it was one of the most wonderful I’ve ever seen,” said Jessica Hale about fireworks that were purchased illegally by minors and then shot dangerously into the atmosphere. “My family and I brought a blanket to a grass field and watched the beautiful spectacle while eating s’mores. It was really special.”

At press time, as Americans were captivated by the millions of explosions happening across the country, United States foreign enemies backed off, noting that the country would just destroy itself.

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