Heeding the words of Matthew 28:19 to “go make disciples of all the nations”by going around the neighborhood knocking on peoples’ doors, sources report local Jehovah’s Witness Kirk Reynolds was elated to realize he only needed to convert ten more souls to win a Las Vegas Vacation.
“Alright,” muttered Reynolds under his breath as he walked down his neighbor’s drive to carry out the teachings of the Lord. “All I need is ten more conversions in the bag and then next thing you know, I’ll be high rollin’ on the Strip, Baby.”
Witnesses report that, as his neighbor struggled to carry out the task of interpreting select excerpts from The New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures on the spot as requested by Reynolds, Reynolds glanced repeatedly at his watch in an alleged attempt to speed up the conversation and meet his soul quota for the day.
“Okay, I’ll just give you a hint. This one’s about Armageddon and the Second Coming of Christ,” said Reynolds, cutting off his neighbor mid-sentence. “So what do you say, can I put your name down?”
Sources confirm that, after saying goodbye to the neighbor and shutting the door, Reynolds proceeded to pump one fist in the air while shaking the other close to his chest to mimic shaking dice.
“One down, nine to go,” said Reynolds, referring to the man who seconds before pledged his eternal soul to God so that Reynolds could spend a week getting wasted at the Roulette table.
“Slot machines, Blackjack table, here I come!” said Reynolds, while his new convert began the process of reexamining his trinitarian beliefs to comply with those of the millenarian restorationist Christian denomination known for its unfulfilled prediction of the imminent destruction of the present world system.
At press time, Reynolds was seen hanging a pair of fuzzy dice from the rearview mirror of his newly purchased Camaro.
