Coming off another underachieving season in 2018, the University of Michigan football program has told its loyal fans that they might as well just break their own hearts this year.
“We all know what’s inevitably going to happen, so the whole program would appreciate it if fans could just go ahead and break their own hearts before they get their hopes up,” said Head Coach Jim Harbaugh after the team’s most recent practice. “You guys know the drill. It would save all of you a lot of time and stress if you just devastated yourself now instead of waiting for the season’s unavoidable fate.”
Even though the team is ranked 7th heading into opening kickoff, coaches recommend that fans enter the season with low expectations.
“If everyone just goes into the season with the knowledge that we are certainly going to lose against our biggest matchups, it would be a lot easier for everyone,” Harbaugh continued. “Our fans need to stop deluding themselves, and it’d take a lot of pressure off this team if they just did that right now instead of waiting until after we’ve been absolutely decimated.”
“Last year’s disappointing loss to Ohio State was deflating to say the least. That one hurt pretty bad,” said Harbaugh as he practiced hiding tears behind the team’s offensive playbook. “But we’re not going to leave with the same bitter taste in our mouths again. Because, this time, we’ll all be prepared for it.”
Members of the Michigan Football team have taken Harbaugh’s message to heart and are doing everything they can to meet their coach’s objective.
“It’s refreshing to see our fans with such looks of agony on their faces so early in the season,” said lineman Ben Bredeson. “This way, when the end of the season turns grim, they’ll already have dealt with the grief.”
It has been announced that Michigan Stadium vendors will be handing out towels that read “Don’t Get Your Hopes Up” when fans enter the stadium for the Rutgers game.