Succulent Successfully Replaces Ex-Girlfriend

Donley was ‘looking for someone more down-to-earth.’
Donley was ‘looking for someone more down-to-earth.’

Sources report that Jeremy Donley, who recently experienced a breakup, had successfully replaced his ex-girlfriend with a brand new succulent.

The succulent, acquired from a nearby ACE Hardware, proved the perfect substitute for the former love of his life, who had now forever betrayed him.

“This lil’ gal won’t ever hurt me,” confirmed Donley, going on to state that though he “could not quite remember the exact species of plant,” it was “pretty cute,” even “super super cute,” and “possibly cuter than any girl ever could be.”

Friends were reportedly concerned about Donley’s use of vegetation as emotional stand-in for people who had left his life permanently.

Best friend Todd Manson told sources he was worried about Donley’s “unhealthy attachment” to the plant, as well as the “fast and reckless” nature of their relationship’s development.

“I caught him singing songs to it when he thought I wasn’t in the room, and one time I walked in on him stroking it slowly,” reported Manson. “I wish he could’ve just given me a heads-up so I could’ve given them some privacy,” he added.

At press time, Donley had named the small, thick-leaved plant “Samantha,” the same name as his ex-girlfriend.

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