Area Man Disappointed Grandkids’ Lives Better Than His Own

Grandpa Tony wishes his grandkids could just live through a recession or two.

After decades of difficult and dangerous work, done willingly out of a desire to make the world a better place for his children, area man Tony Guillini reportedly announced his disappointment at having experienced such unequivocal, resounding success.

Not long after his second Saturday mid-afternoon nap, Guillini voiced his thoughts just loudly enough for them to be audible at the neighboring tables at his favorite diner, claiming that the newest generation of misfits “would probably appreciate life a little more if the little fuckers experienced a little hardship every now and then.”

Guillini — who had for decades worked tirelessly to ensure that his children would live a better life than him — was apparently having second thoughts about leaving so few opportunities for his descendants to suffer.

Reminiscing about his childhood friends over a plate of spaghetti and a glass of whiskey, Guillini was seen bemoaning the advances of modern medicine to the young couple at the nearest table.

“If they’d get polio every now and then, it would really make them appreciate not having polio,” said Guillini while looking at the couple’s toddlers.

At press time, Guillini was seen loudly expressing his hope that the national decades-long decline in violent crime would go back up so that “these kids can learn to fear for their fucking lives once in a while.”

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