Reports emerged early last week that, following “the talk” with his parents Dan and Debra Garrison last Friday, area tween Brandon Garrison was “confused” as to what the hell birds and bees had to do with all the porn he’d been watching.
The conversation between parents and son lasted approximately 15 minutes, during which both Garrison elders struggled to grapple with the communication of important information regarding sexual health to the younger Garrison, who was reportedly “perplexed” at the content’s relevance to the copious amounts of internet pornography he had been consuming since the age of 9.
“He probably doesn’t know how to process all this,” said Garrison’s mother, unaware of the countless times her son had seen sexual acts on video, both amateur and professional, since she taught him to use the Google search bar function years prior.
“We knew that school would teach him some of this stuff eventually, but we really wanted to make sure that we gave him some understanding of the human reproductive process before health class so he wouldn’t feel blindsided,” said Garrison’s father, referring to his son who jacked off to internet pornsites twice daily. “I think I nailed it,” his dad concluded, wiping his brow. “He really knows what the birds and bees are all about now.”
According to Garrison, both parents “just barged into the room and started going on about birds and bees,” adding that he had “absolutely no idea what they were talking about.” Following his father’s mention of “pulling out,” the young Garrison saw some possible connection to the endless videos of raw fucking he had seen over the years, but this potential linkage was later dismissed by the bewildered tween.
At press time, Garrison was reportedly scratching his head at his father’s sly reference to “rolling around in the hay,” wondering if this had any connection to any of the hours of farmer-cowhand roleplay he had downloaded to his PC.
