After spending 24 hours in intensive labor following a full nine months inside her mother’s womb, newborn Krystal Price was reportedly mortified to lay eyes on her parents’ “ugly-ass” faces for the first time.
“Good God, I waited nine months in there for this?” said Krystal, looking up into her parents beaming, monstrously hideous visages. “Someone put me up for adoption — quick!”
Witnesses report that Krystal started crying immediately after coming out of her mother’s womb.
“I just spent so long dreaming about what my new family was going to be like back in there,” said Krystal, fighting back tears. “If I had known that my first seconds on earth would be spent looking up at two donkeys’ backsides, I would have strangled myself with the umbilical cord months ago.”
“Don’t worry if the child cries a lot in her first few days,” said the doctor to Mr. and Mrs. Price as their newborn daughter kicked and screamed, wailing for “anyone else” to come and take her home with them. “It’s just her newborn lungs adjusting to the air.”
“I want a redo,” said Krystal, waving her fists in the air. “It’s not fair. I never asked to be born to Freddy Krueger and Medusa lookalikes.”
At press time, the midwife was heard commenting that the baby looked “just like her father.”