Beekeepers On Borrowed Time After Bees Figure Out How Zippers Work

Scientists are looking to Velcro as their last line of defense.

A new report conducted by the American Beekeeping Federation (ABF) has concluded that America’s beekeepers are in “serious danger” of being “filled to the brim with honeybees” after bees learned how to work zippers.

“Our report indicates that the clock is ticking for our nation’s beekeepers now that bees appear to be able to use zippers,” said Tim May, President of ABF, adding, “it’s an unfortunate truth, but now that the bees seem to have evolved, it’s not looking good for the beekeepers.”

May says that researchers from the ABF were astonished months ago when, during a routine test, they “saw one bee that was teaching the others how to pull zippers down the zipper track” in order to have “direct access to fight close combat with innocent beekeepers.”

May also told reporters that, “the estimates aren’t official yet, but without zippers, the bees are one step ahead of us again, and the beekeepers are literally sitting ducks out there.”

“I think it’s safe to say things just haven’t been looking pretty since the bees acquired this terrifying ability,” reported Greg Daniels, a beekeeper for United Honey Inc, adding, “If I can be cutthroat honest, we’re on third down and the scoreboard ain’t looking good.”

The CDC is working with the ABF after a group of bees at a honey farm in New England “worked as a team to unzip multiple beekeepers’ suits.” Ella Jamison, the last beekeeper from the honey farm, commented, “there were eleven of us there, and I’m the only one that came back. I will never be the same.”

“I worry about the potential ramifications of these findings,” said Stanford bee researcher Leslie Wilson. “There is absolutely no research in any field of biology that suggests that bees should be capable of this. If they’ve beaten zippers, what could be next? Buttons? Snaps? Hoodie strings? We must fundamentally rethink our technology to keep up with the bees.”

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