DSM Now Classifies Watching Riverdale As Form Of Self-Harm

Psychiatrists suspect binge watching is most dangerous.

The newest edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, also known as the DSM5, has updated the definition of nonsuicidal self-injury to include watching the CW teen drama Riverdale.

The new definition states that nonsuicidal self-injury is “the deliberate, self-inflicted destruction of body tissue without suicidal intent and for purposes not socially sanctioned. This includes behaviors such as cutting, burning, biting and scratching skin, and being an avid watcher of the teen drama-comedy-musical-horror show Riverdale.”

“While Riverdale can’t cause physical scars like other forms of self-harm, our research has shown that the emotional wound it causes is actually far worse,” said Daniel Robinson, a member of the American Psychiatric Association in charge of writing the DSM’s newest edition. “We advise anyone watching the show to call the self-harm hotline immediately.”

While some viewers have denied that their motive for watching the show is self-injury, Robinson has refuted these claims, stating that “there’s no other reason anyone would ever watch Riverdale than self-harm.”

“Anyone watching Riverdale on purpose is seeking to harm themselves. There’s no other explanation.”

Tina Michael, another psychiatrist assigned to rewrite the DSM, supported Robinson’s claims, adding that anyone who watches the show must be monitored very carefully.

“If anyone watching Riverdale is listening to this, please know that you are loved and that you deserve help. There are millions of others going through the same thing you are now, and millions more who want to help you. You are not alone.”

Watchers of the show have been advised to seek counseling immediately.

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