‘I Can’t Wait For Layering Season’

Fall is on the horizon — the days have been getting colder and the leaves will soon be changing colors. It’s time once again for pumpkin patches and coral cardigans, apple cider and corn mazes. And soon, surely, it’ll finally be sufficiently chilly enough for me to cloak myself in pounds and pounds of layering pieces to conceal my fat, disgusting body.

Autumn really has a distinct charm to it, doesn’t it? Tomorrow I think I’ll funnel mounds of my meaty, jiggling thigh fat into these brand-new super-cute English riding boots. They’ll go great with my 3XL-oversized chunky cable-knit sweater!

Trust me: it’s always best to put on an extra layer of clothing this time of year just in case. You never know when the temperature might suddenly drop, or when you finally stop fixating on your hulking man-arms only to realize that your knees look weirdly skinny and knob-like.

This mustard-colored infinity scarf I just thrifted has so much character, and it also does wonders at obscuring the bulging folds of my unending gut! Plus it goes great with the pullover crewneck and wool tights I use to mask every ounce of flesh on my body.

I think we can all agree that we’ve had plenty of months of summer already. I know I’m not the only one craving a fall-time wardrobe changeover; soon we’ll all be able to discard the July short-shorts that rode too far up our crotches and made our torsos look all dumb and stubby.

I may hate myself but boy, do I love layering season!

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