I’ve Got Curves in All the Right Places, Just Not for the Right Reasons

Look, I don’t mean to brag. I know it’s hard coming across someone so far and away hotter than you and walking away with your self-esteem intact. Hell, when I got the chance to see myself in the mirror recently, there was barely anything intact at all.

It’s really no accident that my medically unsound proportions would make even the Venus de Milo blush. The only accident I’ve ever been in was the one that just tore apart half of my body, leaving every old, unsexy part of me smeared into the pavement. You can debate the methods, but you can’t debate the results.

You have to stop for a second and just look at me, really look at me. Don’t be shy, spend all the time you want drawing your hungry eyes over the curvy protrusion of every one of my dislocated joints. 

Can anything but an 11 pound ruptured blood clot give you a badonkadonk of this magnitude? Could anyone with a fully intact digestive tract pull off a 19” waist? My long term health, mobility, and skeletal integrity may have suffered some minor setbacks, but just look at what I got out of it: a miracle of nature, nurture, and 16000 pounds of stainless steel hitting you at 47 mph.

Please, don’t feel bad for your plain, tiringly symmetrical body, some people are just luckier than others. After the ruling on my upcoming personal injury settlement, I’ll be rockin’ my curves down Miami beach in only the best designer motorized wheelchairs.

Honey, if the sight of your banging, voluptuous body doesn’t literally stop traffic, you aren’t trying hard enough.

Related News