After a particularly life-changing night, sixth-grader Tommy Schulz reportedly came under the impression that he was the first and only person who had ever brought himself to orgasm.
What was initially a quiet night accelerated into something very different when Schulz, who previously enjoyed the separate activities of slapping his privates and thinking about Emma Watson, decided to try doing them at the same time. The result was “terrifying,” according to Schulz, who reported that “I had no idea what I just did to myself or how to undo it.”
After about 10 seconds of blind panic, Schulz discovered that he was not, in fact, having a seizure, and realized in hindsight that he “must have just done something nobody else had tried before.”
Schulz has not entertained the possibility of a world where other people are aware of the activity, which he has coined “sweaty-shaky time,” because he doesn’t know “why anyone would do anything else.”
“We haven’t talked to him about that stuff,” said his parents, who were blissfully ignorant of the fact that their son manhandled his ham candle less than 10 minutes prior. “He’s just too young to deal with it!”
“I felt like maybe I should tell the world about it,” Schulz claimed after an uninterrupted hour of slug-tugging in the shower, “but I don’t think I should. I don’t think society could carry that power. People just aren’t ready yet.”
Schulz was last seen asking his parents for tissues for Christmas and smiling like he knows something.