Men’s Rowing Team Shipwrecked After Falling Prey To Sirens

There was reportedly ‘no hope’ for the marooned athletes.
There was reportedly ‘no hope’ for the marooned athletes.

The Michigan Men’s Rowing Team suffered a big loss last Saturday during the Big Ten Semifinals after being lured off course and ultimately eaten alive by two ancient, mythological beasts known from Homer’s Odyssey as “the sirens.

Witnesses to the sporting event have described Saturday’s defeat as being “heartbreaking” and “gruesome.”

“It was definitely hard to watch our boys struggle to keep pace with other big name teams like Ohio State and Michigan State,” said rowing fan Michael Wayne. “And it hurt equally as much to see them shipwrecked there at the end, torn limb from limb by two Greek monsters. That’s definitely going to set us back in the rankings.”

According to ancient legend and ESPN analyst Rob Heights, sirens often “lie in wait near the water’s edge, luring their victims closer with their beautiful song and womanly bodies before eventually shapeshifting into enormous birds and devouring their victims whole—posing a danger to seafaring men and collegiate athletes alike.” 

“Yeah, it’s all part of the game,” said Head Coach Gregg Hartstuff. “We go over sea monsters a lot in practice. I just tell the guys to put their heads down and ignore any Ancient Greek lyrical voices they hear coming from the sidelines and to maybe tie someone down to the hull of the boat to keep them from going overboard if necessary.” 

At press time, Hartstuff was heard yelling at his athletes to “just ignore the giant tentacles rising from below the depths” and “get their heads back in the game.”

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