The University of Michigan announced this week that it will be adopting a new Alcohol Edu course for incoming freshman students who need to learn how to drink in the big leagues.
In a reversal in policy, the university is now committed to teaching students how to down beers like they’re not weak little freshmen rather than warning them of the dangers associated with alcohol consumption.
“We at the University of Michigan are committed to developing our students both inside and outside of the classroom,” said President Mark Schlissel. “We believe that the best way to maximize the student experience is to show them how to rip shots and use a beer bong.”
“The University of Michigan is a work hard, play hard school,” said a University Health Service spokesperson. “But we raise students to be the leaders and best. You can’t be considered the best if you don’t know how to drink with the best.”
The new course will be coupled with changes in some of the school’s alcohol-related initiatives, such as the Stay in the Blue app, which will now provide instructions on how to drink from a handle without coming up for air.
“We want students to suck it up and down their shots like men,” said President Schlissel. “But we understand that some mortals still want to track their drinking. For that reason, we’ve found decided the most badass way to do that is by duct-taping your finished beers together to create a wizard staff. To discourage slacking, the person with the shortest staff will be struck with his own staff at least ten times.”
At press time, program leaders were demonstrating how to perform a perfect shotgun.