Report: Sluts Going To Be So Slutty On Halloween

Local Party City stores are predicting widespread cat- and bunny-ear shortages.

After thorough statistical analysis conducted by the Pew Research Center, it was concluded that nearly all of the nation’s sluts will be so slutty on this year’s Halloween.

Head researcher Simon Carruthers spoke with the media last week to reveal the astonishing findings.

“They are going to dress like total sluts,” Carruthers told reporters while showing them pictures of scantily clothed police officers and nurses. “While we expect to see a wide variety of costumes this year, we will not be experiencing much variance when it comes to sluttiness.”

Despite the fact that sluttiness ratings dropped last year for the first time in eight Halloweens, there is little doubt among members of Pew that this year’s numbers will be back to normal levels, if not higher.

“The algorithm is foolproof,” said Pew Research Associate Aaron Lowski. “We’re not predicting for each and every slut to be sluttier than usual this Halloween. We’re stating it as a fact.”

Multiple skeptics have questioned Lowski about the possibility of sluts ironically dressing modestly on this year’s October 31st. Lowski assured that the algorithm has already accounted for this technique.

“This is a representation of the average Halloween party, where we are measuring sluttiness over time,” said Lowski as he pointed to a large line graph. “As you can see, at the five minute mark, sluts who humorously wear a thick sweater or raincoat realize that the gig is up, and they will return to their slutty selves indefinitely.”

A new study has confirmed that there will be a 23% increase of sweatpants this Thanksgiving.

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