Various reports from individuals familiar with the matter have indicated that University of Michigan junior David Evans has persisted on a diet of nothing but beans for several weeks.
“I honestly didn’t think beans could provide enough nutritional value to keep a normal human being healthy,” said Bradley Nicholas, roommate of the legume lover. “But he’s still alive after eating almost nothing else for a month.”
Evans has stood by his decision, citing baked beans as being low in price while high in protein, B vitamins, and fiber.
“I see no downside,” said Evans, despite the agonizing stomach ache he gets at around 10 am every day. “They’re great for your microbiome while also barely taking anything out of your wallet.”
“I understand he wants to save money,” said Nicholas, “but all the air fresheners we’ve forced him to buy even out the price.”
While one of Evans’ roommates is hopeful that he may soon switch to a diet consisting solely of Jimmy Johns sandwiches, another saw him leaving Costco with a 48-pack of 16-ounce cans and six 117-ounce cans.
Recent reports indicate that Evans’ roommates and loved ones have been pleading for him to stop eating beans altogether.
