A recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has found that both abstinence and pegging are the best ways to prevent pregnancy.
“Abstinence was previously thought to be the only 100% foolproof method,” said Jerry Staples, a spokesperson for the CDC. “But we discovered that letting your girlfriend just peg you right in the ass is equally effective.”
The new findings have caused the CDC to change their sexual education recommendations from their previous standards.
“We used to be an abstinence-only group,” said Staples, “but it turns out having your significant other smash your cheeks to smithereens also has no risk of pregnancy. We’re super excited to have a second option for those horny motherfuckers who just can’t keep it in their pants.”
Schools around the country are already implementing these new changes. In addition to discouraging sexual urges, these programs are beginning to advocate for pegging.
“Sexual intercourse is a sin. If you don’t want a baby, don’t have sex,”said Mitch Miller, the sex-ed and gym teacher at Fairview High School inIllinois. “But if you’re too horny for that, then just lube up a strap-on and let your girlfriend go to town on your poop chute.”
