White House Whistleblower Identified By DNA On Whistle

Secretary Grisham expressed surprise that no one had thought of this before.
Secretary Grisham expressed surprise that no one had thought of this before.

White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham announced on Monday that the identity of the White House whistleblower has been discovered by conducting a DNA test of the saliva left on the whistle.

“It was pretty easy, actually,” said Sarah Sander’s successor, when asked about the complicated process of identifying the whistleblower. “We just found the whistle, swabbed it, and tested the DNA.”

This is the first time this process has been used to identify a whistleblower, but forensic DNA specialists say the method is foolproof.

“There aren’t that many whistles in the White House,” Grisham explained further. “I mean, think about it. What do you need a whistle for in the day-to-day functions of the executive branch? There are maybe four total whistles in the whole building. It wasn’t that hard.”

President Trump has repeatedly voiced his frustrations with the whistleblower on Twitter, accusing the currently anonymous individual of being a “partisan operative,” or a “leaker or spy.” In a separate tweet, he lambasted the whistleblower for being “Too high-pitched!”

The confirmed identity of the whistleblower is yet to be released, but news outlets speculate that it is most likely a White House staffer with a part-time job as a middle school soccer referee.

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