Sources confirm that despite her stunning penmanship, sophomore English major Stacy Phillips is still dumb.
According to English 298 Professor David Getterson, while Phillips’ handwriting is “nearing perfection,” the thoughts that her flawless script communicates are “tragically dim.”
“When Stacy writes, all of her letters are perfectly spaced and immaculately designed,” explained Getterson. “You almost forget the fact she has the mental capacity of a cabbage.”
Witnesses have confirmed the presence of six different colored pens on Phillips’ desk at all times during class. Reports show that she cycles through them to provide each bone-headed thought with an appropriate categorizing color.
“Stacy’s handwriting is a work of art,” said classmate Joana Nielson, describing writing that explained why zodiac signs have predicted the last four presidential elections.
While Phillips’ classmates have described her penmanship as “gorgeous,” “satisfying,” and “a masterpiece,” her class contributions have been dubbed “nonsensical,” “obvious,” and “embarrassing.”
“I would kill to have handwriting like hers,” claimed freshman Ilana Danvers, about the writing of a moron who once referred to Africa as a country.
New reports have shown that Phillips’ flawless handwriting is ridden with comma splices, run-on sentences, and spelling errors.
