Americans were shocked last Tuesday when Vice President Mike Pence officially renounced conversion therapy, calling the practice “barbaric” and “a violation of basic human decency.” The abrupt change of heart can only be credited, say inside sources, to his recent discovery of his own prostate.
Pence and his shitoris allegedly became acquainted last weekend when he went to the urologist for his first ever prostate exam. Previously, VP Pence had been averse to the procedure but was finally swayed after extensive confirmation that a check-up would not, in fact, be considered homosexual.
Almost immediately after starting the exam, per Dr. Shawn McLowry, “Mr. Vice President’s eyes lit up as if he’d seen the light of God himself. He looked as if he’d turned about ten years younger almost instantly. He tried to tip me on the way out, but we don’t do that here.”
Pence reportedly left the appointment visibly happier and with “a spring in his step.”
“I’m not going to say that I’m all lovey- dovey with the gays now,” stated Pence, “but I gotta admit, they got some stuff figured out.” When pried for further information, he simply winked and giggled.
Republicans and Democrats alike were anxious to hear what Second Lady Karen Pence had to say regarding her husband’s “awakening.” When questioned, she stated, “It’s brought back a certain joie de vivre. A certain spice. Picture this. You’ve been drinking plain milk your whole life. Then someone comes and gives you chocolate milk. You don’t question it, you’re just grateful.”
Mike Pence was last seen in a hat and sunglasses walking into an Adam and Eve Adult Superstore.