New Psychology Study Just Waterboards You In Exchange For A $5 Amazon Gift Card

UM Regents reported concern about East Hall’s anticipated record high water bill.

The LSA Psychology Department has reportedly secured funding for an experimental new psychology study where they waterboard participants in exchange for a $5 Amazon gift card.

“Now undergraduate students have the opportunity to earn credit and money by participating in real torture research conducted by faculty,” said Department of Psychology Chair Patricia Reuter-Lorenz. “The research we do is very important and we highly value students who take the initiative and volunteer to be a part of our work. We hope that exciting new studies such as this one will incentivize more destitute students to participate in our medieval torment.”

Eligible students will be selected from a Qualtrics survey, then will be held captive and subjected to 4-5 hours of intense waterboarding torture, during which time their brain waves will be monitored.

“This research is extremely important. We hope that our participants take it seriously and aren’t just in it for the great rewards,” said Reuter-Lorenz when asked about the new venture.

The department is also reportedly crafting new studies to provide students with more variety in the torture methods they research. If the Testicular Twirl study is granted funding, participants will receive 12 cents per ball twist.

Other torture research opportunities with compensation include being put in the Iron Maiden for a Pizza House free delivery coupon or being crucified for a t-shirt raffle ticket.

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