Report: Impossible Burger Tastes Like Real Murder

Consumers attest that the plant-based patty perfectly simulates the taste of chemical-ridden, factory-farmed flesh.
Consumers attest that the plant-based patty perfectly simulates the taste of chemical-ridden, factory-farmed flesh.

Consumers of the Impossible Burger have confirmed that the soy-based patty tastes exactly like real murder.

Numerous critics have dubbed the imitation burger as “indistinguishable” from actual meat from animals shoved into cages immediately after birth, abused in pens with hundreds of other ailing beasts, and finally put to death for the transient enjoyment of a few hungry humans.

“The Impossible Burger tastes exactly like the patties my father would grill for us every Sunday,” said Jerry Feldman,comparing the vegan meat substitute to meat from cows that have been separated from their mothers and branded with 950-degree irons before finally being cooked medium-rare.

Feldman also added that he “can’t believe it’s not beef,” referring to meat from bovines who are overfed until finally deemed fat enough to fulfill their lifelong purpose of becoming a Big Mac.

In a blind taste-test, nine out of ten participants were unable to tell the difference between the Impossible Burger and actual meat from bulls that have been dehorned, castrated, and branded before ultimately ending up in an Arby’s DoubleBeef ‘n Cheddar.

“It’s unbelievable,” said taste-test participant Anthony Martinez, describing the Impossible Burger’s similarity to meat from a brutally slaughtered cow as “uncanny.”

While 90% of Impossible Burger taste-test participants could not tell the difference between the real and fake meats, 10% noticed some disparity, claiming that the Impossible Burger did not sufficiently taste like the hocks and rinds of animals who are regularly dosed with antibiotics, their only line of defense from the detestable conditions in which they live.

A separate taste-test later revealed that vegan chicken nuggets successfully captured the savory flavor of a debeaked, diseased bird that had been given so many growth hormones its legs gave out.

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